Seven Styles of Self-Defeating Anger

It´s time to get personal.   How do you rate on "The Stress Doc''s Seven Self-Defeating Styles of Anger" Index?

1.   The Retaliator.   Do you often fantasize about revenge?   When you''ve been unfairly treated or criticized (or, at least, feel you''ve been) do your eyes widen; perhaps, you have a ghoulish grin?   Endorphins have nothing on the biochemical rush as you plot revenge!   Bring on the costarring role in Nightmare on Elm Street Part XIX?   Or do you simply and stealthily retaliate through gossip and innuendo?   Perhaps you''re into prevention:   "Screw it to others before they can even think about screwing it to you!"

2.   The Self-Obliterator.   Do you try drinking or eating your aggressive feelings away or is your anger so consuming it''s eating away at you?   Maybe you try controlling your hurt and rage through pseudo saintliness or by spouting artificial affirmations - fast food for thought - instead of compulsive eating?   If so, these lines from "The Self-Righteous Rap" may strike a chord:

                      Are you a martyr in self-imposed prison?
                      Denying your needs becomes "heaven''s vision."
                      When you''ve been hurt you just quietly pray
                      But wish you could scream:   "Go ahead...Make my day!"
                      (c)   Mark Gorkin   1992
                      Shrink Rap Productions

3.   The Intellectual Intimidator.   "Oh, you don''t really believe that, do you?"   "What''s wrong with you?"   "You should have done it this way."   "You are so disappointing to me!"   (Restrain me, please.)   Know any one who is into "acc-you-sations"?   Are you a "blameaholic"?   The intellectual bully''s techniques range from finely judgmental observations to condescending characterizations.   Probably a graduate from "The Institute for the Compassion-Impaired."   There''s a competitive edge to the aggressor that''s often a cover for self-doubt or a win-lose, dominant-submissive survival strategy.   As I once penned:

                      When battling for position you won''t stop
                      Cause you know your place -- you''re always on top!

"Competition vs. Compassion" reminds me of a "dueling egos" exchange with my younger brother, a research psychologist; not a therapist.   One day, I was telling Larry about some difficult work I had done with a family, some family interventions that I thought were both creative and effective.   Upon hearing my description, my brother pipes in, "You should have said such and such to the father."   I was struck by the witty but pretty insensitive suggestion, and grimaced.   Seeing my expression my brother quickly pounced, "What''s the matter, you afraid the father would punch you out?"   At this point I counterpunched.   "No, I have a higher standard of plagiarism.

4.   The Frequent Flasher.   This reactive individual is a fiery flamethrower who''s quick to be triggered.   The "Flasher" doesn''t just expose himself (not a pretty sight) but he is often feeling exposed as well.   I''ve labeled this explosive type the "HE MAN."   Driving this aggressive, impatient, hyper person are two underlying complexes, which are thinly disguised with sparks and smoke:   "H" stands for "Humiliation," due to oft perceived rejection, feeling shown up and deep-seated unworthiness.   And "E" is for "Emptiness," brought on by separation anxiety and feelings of abandonment.   (And please, I don''t discriminate.   A HE MAN can be either male or female.)

But there''s hope, if we can acknowledge our problematic style.   I recall a US State Department Manager who finally realized he had to control his temper tantrum throwing inner child.   He came up with this strategy.   In the middle of a typical, increasingly heated blood starting to boil meeting, Mr. Manager would suddenly announce, "Excuse me, I just remembered, I need to photocopy some documents.   I''ll be back in five minutes."   He''d leave his startled antagonist, walk outside or find a deserted office or bathroom, shout some expletives and then return.  Now he could deliver his anger in an adult manner.

5.   The Holy Smolder.   Some people try holding back their anger being aware of their Mount St. Helens potential.   Others feel a show of anger is a weakness; either you''ve allowed others to get to you or it''s a sign of your being out of control.   Such a primitive display.   (And with that rigid and righteous thinking, you wonder why some folks are early candidates for heart attacks.)   So they smolder away until they implode (high blood pressure, major depression) or explode ("Volcanus Eruptus" Syndrome).   And the latency between eruptions invariably decreases.  

The susceptible person here is often the "SHE MAN," the psychic partner to the "HE MAN."   The "S" stands for "Savior."   This individual isn''t much of an individual, more one who blindly and self-righteously upholds "the one right way."   This Savior Style reflects or rewards servility more than civility.   Always ready to sacrifice or give advice...at a price - unquestioned loyalty and everlasting appreciation - that you are expected to pay.   (Of course, The SHE MAN can be a "nice guy" as well a "good girl.")   And like the HE MAN, the SHE MAN''s over dependence with and upon others has a covert purpose:   to distract from feelings of "Humiliation" and "Emptiness."

So, if you are starting to blow a SHE MAN cover with righteously explosive outbursts, be careful.   With a cycle of smoldering and fiery flaming you will only make an ash of yourself.

6.   The Silencer.   This style can range from the pouting to the spouting.   Stony silence or aggressive detachment can be a potent weapon.   Let''s use the popular example of a certain TV watching habit:   men''s and women''s contrasting styles and power struggles over the remote control.   Hey, such self-absorption may not just reflect male species having an extra, latent, hyperactive ADD chromosome.   Focus on the name of the weapon.   Dysfunctional anger, as much as deficit of attention, may fuel the desire to be REMOTE and in CONTROL.  

There''s another common misguided expression of anger; this time, alas, women seem more susceptible.   Instead of clear and direct anger, only tears burst forth.   This individual, ironically, remains bottled up.   She can''t or doesn''t know how to channel her aggression into emotion-laden and focused energy and words.

Guys, especially you overbearing and condescending Type As into "scarcasm"...not all your targets are shedding tears of fear or simply expressing easily hurt feelings.   Some of these women (and men, as well) are likely more shocked and incensed by your insensitivity or (clueless) cruelty.   Reminds me of a new legal secretary who had been verbally abused for an oversight by a senior partner.   After tearfully regrouping in the bathroom, she stormed into Mr. Abuser''s office and forcefully said, "I don''t even let people talk to my dog that way.   You sure aren''t going to talk to me that way!"   By the way, their relationship changed immediately for the better.   (I thought of a variation on a scheme.   One could go back into the temper tantrum tyrant''s office and start barking.   When he wonders what is going on, just declare, "If you''re going to treat me like a dog, I may as well start behaving like one!   Also, don''t pull rank.   I may play ''the bitch,'' but you are just a son of one.")

7.   The Passive-Aggressor.   Chronic lateness, persistent procrastination or, "Oh, I''m sorry.   I guess this is the third time this week that I forgot the report you asked for.   Just had too many big projects on my plate."   (Notice the subtle dig.   And you wonder why dishes get thrown.)

And speaking of aggressive passivity, there''s the bane of my existence...the "yes, butthead."   I mean the chronic "yes, butter."   But there''s hope.   Social psychology research suggests a potentially successful counter strategy.   First, especially with emotional issues, resist trying to hit quickly your antagonist with contrary facts or logic.   Encourage the doubter to extol his or her position and to take your argument apart.   Acknowledge the other''s position before advancing your own.   The reality is we don''t just argue facts, but also the status and power aspects of a relationship.   So, if we can allow people who say,

                      "Yes, but" to rebut
                      Even if they are a pain in the...
                      (Butt you know what I mean.)
                      We just might get them to say, "But, yes."

A "yes, but" off shoot and an all too familiar power struggle, comes to mind.   I recall my friend Paul''s classic comment to his wife Betsy:   "I don''t mind paying the bills.   I just don''t like it when you tell me to pay the bills."   Well at least it''s aggressively passive, with a narcissistic touch.

Ah...true love!   On that note, how about an aggressively stylish close with a variation on ''Tea for Two."   Tenaci-Tea for Two:   The Narcissist''s Version:

                      You for me and me for me.
                      Oh how nurturing you will be.
                      Forget "to be or not to be?"
                      Just simply think of ME, ME, ME!

Just remember...Practice Safe Stress!